A Problem for Me
I knew the diagnosis even before I submitted my assessment. If I’m being honest, I’d known that it’s been an issue for several years. I was addicted to my phone.
As part of my Health Coach Training Program, we learned about Technology Addiction and became aware of a research-backed assessment that gauges whether you might be addicted to technology. The test takes just a few minutes, you receive results nearly instantly, and the insights have the potential to be enlightening, and possibly the kick-in-the-pants you’ve been looking for to get started towards change.
You can take the test here, although you probably don’t have to. If you’re like many - even most - of us, you already know that you have a problem and oh what a problem it is:
Depending on the source, it is reported that Americans check their phones between 96-351 times per day
It is also reported that the average person spends an average of 3 hours and 15 minutes on their phone every day, and that 1 in 5 smartphone users spend upwards of 4.5 hours on their phone every day.
If Malcolm Gladwell is right and it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something, the average gamer will reach expert status before they’re legally allowed to buy alcohol.
There is a strong link between social media use and an increased risk for depression, anxiety, loneliness, self-harm, and even suicidal thoughts.
Countless studies demonstrate that the use of technology is deteriorating our attention spans, social interactions, and overall, cognitive function – including our working memory ability.
One such study found that simply being in close proximity to your mobile phone while reading, reduced reading comprehension, including a 10% reduction in working memory ability. Think about that. You’re reading words on the pages of a book, and if you’re phone is in another room, you’re fine, but if your phone is on the coffee table in front of you, your brain doesn’t work as well. I don’t think the math is so simple, but what if that 10% reduction in memory ability meant that you weren’t able to remember one of every ten words on a page? It’s a scary thought. (Maybe you want to print this out and read this offline?)
The problem is that many of us are unaware of the problem and most ignore it and don’t change a thing. When I took the technology addiction assessment I had already known that I was spending over 3 and a half hours per day on my phone and was checking my phone about 150x per day. Any dull moment I’d feel a compulsion to seek my phone. If I glanced over and saw it on the counter, my body would instantly reach for it and have to actively fight against the inertia in order to not pick it up. I noticed that my attention span and reading comprehension were diminishing. Luckily, I was in a health coaching training program and had access to coaching and support of the other trainees and have been able to address and curb my addiction. I’ve experimented with a number of strategies with mixed results, but the point is I made it to the other side.
Life is better on the other side of technology addiction. My attention span and memory improved. My brain felt like it went from roaming to stepping into a lightning-fast WIFI connection. I started noticing the beauty around me. The trees. The flowers. The birds. Thoughts. Emotions. The small things that can bring so much joy if we let them. I felt more human and I felt more like me. Most importantly, I become a better husband and father…
A Problem for Thee
Those of us who are parents are all too familiar with mandating and monitoring the ‘screen time’ of our children, but do we impose similar limits on ourselves? We clearly recognize that too much screen time is a problem, and somehow, it’s a problem for thee and not a problem for me. If we do monitor family screen time - including adult screen time, - how well do we stick to these limits when the kiddos are in daycare, school, or in bed? I’ll be the first to admit, I’m guilty.
There’s a brilliant approach to screen time in the highly recommended book Essentialism by Greg McKeown – the token system. Each kid gets 10 tokens a week and each can be redeemed for half-an-hour of screentime or if they opt to not spend tokens on screentime, they get $0.50 per token at the end of the week. Additional tokens could be earned by spending 30 minutes reading. For the McKeown’s the result was an 90% reduction in screen time and an 90% increase in time spent reading.
My son was too young to truly understand that system, so we modified, experimented, and iterated with mixed results. We’ve continued to be flexible and adjust our screentime rules for about 5-6 years now. When we are most consistent, we hang a tracking chart on the refrigerator and it helps. One thing that hasn’t changed is that it’s a constant conversation and something we’re aware of every week. But as parents, do we track our own screen time? Of course, we need to use screens for work, etc., but we get sucked in to checking email, then scrolling, and who knows what else all too often.
I don’t mean to dismiss the importance of limiting the screentime of our children. Their brains are still developing and when they spend too much time of screens it can disrupt that development. Becoming a technology addict at a young age, will have our children’s brains functioning like a sloth (picture the DMV on Zootopia) and is expected by many experts to cause permanent damage to their cognitive abilities, not to mention mental health. My overarching point here is that, yes, we should continue to be vigilant about the amount of time our children spend in front of screens to protect their developing brains, but that it is also mission-critical to monitor our own screen time. Research suggests that our brains do continue to mature and develop well beyond our 18th birthday and into our late twenties. Additional research shows that neuroplasticity, the process the brain uses to modify connections and rewire itself, continues even as we age. But it goes beyond just what’s going on in our brains…
One thing I’ve learned as a parent is that children listen with their eyes as much if not more than their ears. In other words: our kids learn how to behave by watching what you do rather than what you tell them to do. It’s called modeling. As parents we model the behavior we want to see in our children. If you want your children to stop using screens so much, a powerful first step is to limit your own screentime. And as I discuss in the next section, they’re always watching us…
A Problem for WE
Sadly, technology addiction has become socially acceptable. What’s the big deal? Everyone’s doing it! What we need to understand is that being socially acceptable does not mean that it is normal and it certainly doesn’t mean that it’s not harmful.
Where I grew up, I remember one of the local High Schools would pass out newspapers to basketball fans at home games. When the opposing team’s players were announced, fans would cross their legs and hold up the newspapers in an active expression of collective disinterest. This is how little we think of you. Done in jest, it was actually really funny and players/fans of the opposing team would often smile and laugh.
Fast-forward to 2023 and I’m watching my son’s soccer practice. I found myself checking email, social media, etc. on my phone throughout practice. After practice I was trying to engage my son in discussion around how practice went and he said “You don’t care. You were looking at your phone the whole time.” Damn! He was right and I felt guilty as hell.
The next practice, I made an effort to pay attention to his practice, and only checked my phone twice to quickly check incoming text messages (yes, I counted). Proud of my efforts, I asked how practice was only to hear “You were looking at your phone the whole time again!” I was able to recap the entire practice for him, but he had still seen me check my phone more than once. I felt like it was an unlucky coincidence that he had just happened to glance over at the two exact wrong moments. I was wrong.
To make sure not to get caught checking the phone at his next practice, I left my phone in the car and had my eyes on the practice the whole time and I noticed something. My son must’ve looked over to check in with me, get approval, share a smile, give a thumbs up, etc. at least once every five minutes. Not the once or twice per practice that I had assumed. I wondered “Is he that attention starved?” I then turned my attention to the other kids and noticed that some of the other kids would check in with their parents frequently as well. As an outside observer, it was downright heartbreaking. You see a child look to their parent for connection - See what I did!? - only to see them face-down looking at their phone. Occasionally, the kids would quickly look down to the ground before lifting their head up with a sad/disappointed look on their face.
It hurt to watch. It hurt even more thinking that is the same experience that my son had with me. In his mind, when I checked my phone, I was essentially crossing my legs and holding up a newspaper in a show of disinterest. Only this time those on the receiving end of the message did not think it was funny and did not smile.
What messages are we conveying when we check email at the dinner table? Or scroll Instagram while at a party? We’re signaling to those around us that they are not as interesting or important as whatever is on our phone. In certain situations, it’s not only disrespectful, but is downright rude.
Further, we may also be consciously or subconsciously signaling to ourselves that same message. That we can avoid temporary uncomfortableness, awkwardness, or boredom simply by escaping into our phones. The more we exhibit this behavior and the more we observe this behavior, the more we collectively suffer as a society. Are we really barreling towards a future where the tiny screens become more interesting, important, and significant that the people, environment, and experiences around us? Don’t think so? Consider February 7th, 2023…
LeBron James is on the cusp of breaking the NBA Scoring Record. Just one more bucket and he will have surpassed Kareem Abdul-Jabbar with 38,388 career points. An incredible record many thought was unbreakable. Professional sports games tend to be rather exciting in and of themselves and watching them live is even more so. On top of the announcers, dancers, mascots, and upbeat/loud music, there are tens of thousands of fans clapping and yelling in awe of some of the best athletes on the planet. It’s a spectacle, and on this night, the excitement was even more palpable as spectators were expecting to witness history. Many had spent thousands, and even tens of thousands of dollars on their tickets. These are your hardcore superfans. If ever there were an environment where someone could leave their phone in their pocket and enjoy the moment, this was it. These people certainly weren’t bored. But in the third quarter, with 2-points to go for the record, when LeBron caught a pass at the elbow, took 3 dribbles, and stepped back into a fadeaway jumper that would be forever etched in basketball lore, what do you see? Take a close look at this image, zoom in even.
Look beyond James and his defender, and even beyond number 31 posting up asking for the ball (come up bruh, are you really expecting a pass in this moment!?). You see hundreds, no, thousands of cellphones being held up by thousands of arms. Those arms are connected to people we assume with faces and bodies, but most are hidden behind the arms and the phones. Even in this environment, in this moment, where the money spent on tickets to the game could’ve fetched you a brand-new Toyota Camry, we’re collectively experiencing the moment through our phones. The truly striking and downright scary part is that it appears that nearly everyone is doing it. Truly a problem for WE.
A Better Way Forward
Looking back to the LeBron photo, there are a few outliers in the bleachers with their hands at their sides enjoying the moment. We could all stand to be more like these heroes, not just at a sporting event, but at the dinner table, at our childrens’ dance recitals, or walking in the park. Let’s step back from the Metaverse and truly experience the moments that matter.
Now, I’m not suggesting everyone drop everything, move to Pennsylvania, and join the Amish (of course if that’s what you’re into, more power to ya!). For all the faults associated with technology, the internet, and even social media, there are seemingly infinite benefits. The access to information and facilitation of communication alone are immeasurably valuable. Plus, many of these tools are highly enjoyable. I love hiking through the mountains or hanging out at the beach, but there are also times when I genuinely enjoy playing computer games, streaming shows/movies, and yes, even laughing at tasty memes on Instagram. We need to find a happy medium. If the scales tip too much to one side, it may be time to make a change.
Think about it this way: I enjoy an occasional glass of wine. There are some who suggest that the occasional glass of wine is even good for you (I’m a bit skeptical of these studies, but do feel that wine on occasion can be fine). It’s when I drink too much when I have a problem, and technology is no different. We all know that driving while intoxicated is dangerous, but according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA), driving a vehicle while texting is 6x more dangerous than intoxicated driving. This is your brain on drugs online.
So, what should we do? My recommendation is to first recognize that there is a problem. Pay attention to your habits around technology, and begin to monitor and track your use. If you are like me, when you do eventually begin to monitor your screen time, it’s not only embarrassing, but downright scary and if that’s the case for you, it’s time to make a change.
When I started to address my own struggle with technology addiction, having access to health coaches was instrumental. They helped remind me why it was important to curb technology use, and guided me through different strategies I could try, strengths I could lean on, and resources I could leverage. Some of these experiments worked really well for me. Others not so much. I’ve also had relapses, which has introduced even more strategies over time, and it continues to be something I need to be actively engaged in otherwise I easily find myself getting sucked back in to my tiny magical box.
I would love nothing more than to be able to support you through this process through coaching as well!